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Hong Kong Movies that Kick Arse!

Yes, I know that would be "all of them" but some movies stand out more than others. Please note that this list is for entertainment purposes only so don't take it too seriously!

HERE BE SPOILERS! YARR!

Video has been deleted from Youtube due to copyright reasons, oh well.

60 Million Dollar Man
- man gets blown up, only his lips remain. Gets turned into robot.

A Hero Never Dies
- two professional killers face off and even manage to win a shootout when one is dead in a wheelchair.

A Killer's Blues
- another life and times of a hitman story

A Man Called Hero
- the Statue of Liberty gets it's arsed kicked

A Better Tomorrow
- liting a cigarette with a $100 bill

A Better Tomorrow II
- "You don't like my rice? What's wrong with it? It's beautiful to me! To you, it's just rice...to us, it's family. Don't fuck with my family! If you have any dignity, apologize to my rice RIGHT NOW!"

The Barefooted Kid
- hero gets impaled on a pitchfork

Bat Without Wings
- do you need to see any more than the cover?

The Blade
- hero loses and arm and learns to fight with a broken sword. Nosey monk gets killed.

Beauty and the Breast
- begins with a scene of men checking out passing women's breasts in the middle of the road.
They also have a theory on breasts determining personality.

Best of the Best
- A rouge SWAT team takes on the police

Bodyguard from Beijing
- a stupid kid gets shot in his blinking Nike pumps.

Bride With White Hair
- a drunk man kicks the arses of a whole lot of attackers with a piece of grass.

Bullet in the Head
- "The Deer Hunter" cranked up to 11

Bullets Over Summer
- two police officers on surviellance story. One of them just wants pussy.

Burning Paradise
- Psycho flings paper at the wall, it sticks in edge first.

Bury Me High
- Great mad general character

Butterfly and Sword
- Hard arse tries to head butt a cannonball

The Chinese Boxer
- A man is unhappy with his service at a restaurant so he jumps up and punches a hole in the roof.

Chinese Ghost Story
- Wu Ma kicks arse "Me me invincible, O Gods!" (explosions)

Chinese Midnight Express 2
- trashy prison film with lots of killings

A Chinese Odyssey Part 1 - Pandora's Box
- man has a crotch fire put out by twenty people stamping on it

A Chinese Odyssey Part 2 - Cinderlla
- monkey swings around his massive pole

City Hunter
- the Streetfighter II tribute scene

City on Fire
- Tarrinto should have just stayed in the video store

Comeuppance
- A donut kills someone

Comic King
- Free bowie knife given away with comics

Consipiracy

Crippled Avengers
- kid gets his arms cut off, metal arm shoots out darts, man gets blinded for looking at someone funny, another gets his legs cut off for bumping into someone, their hero is turned into an imbecile by having his head crushed in a vice

Cross Line
- climbing the stairs while having sex

Demon of the Lute
- Man with giant red hair has his chariot pulled by german sheppards. Skinny Elf has a penis for a head

Dirty Ho
- do you even need to know any more?

Don't Tell My Partner
- tits!

Dragon Chronicles: The Maidens of Heavenly Mountain
- lesbian love affair between sisters (Brigitte Lin plays them both), the men save the day

Dragon Inn
- man twists a sword like tinfoil

Drunken Master II
- drinking makes you stronger!

Eastern Condors
- Hong Kong version of Rambo II, bizarre laughing general, man gets a knife in the nuts

East is Red
- a submarine full of ninja pirates!

Election
- triad boss takes his partner fishing, drops a rock on his head

Election II
- gang boss convinces a rival's men to kill their boss by grinding up one of them and feed him to the dogs

A Fighter's Blues
- boxer gets pummelled for his past crimes

First Option
- another SWAT style movie

Fist of Legend
- Jet Li manages to fight blindfolded in one scene

Five Venoms
- Snake, Centipede, Toad, Lizard and Scorpion. Lots of muscles. Man gets killed by a wet paper towel.

Fong Sai Yuk 2
- "Balls for balls." Scene where Fong Sai Yuk has all the swords sticking out of his backpack

For Bad Boys Only
- the white haired Japanese due

Forbidden City Cop
- trying to make a gun using someone's mouth to fire the bullet

Full Contact
- has been described as 'so violent it plays like a 96 minute Bosnia'

God of Cookery
- frying an egg in the palm of your hand


rolling down a pork chop


The Eighteen Bronzemen of Shaolin

(they are only in the film to beat up the main character, two of them just screw around)

God of Gamblers - The Return
- fetus gets put in a jar just to piss someone off

Hail the Judge
Elvis Tsui's beard any eyebrows

HELP!!!
- a tow truck driver performs surgery on someone

Heroic Trio
- children get blown up with dynamite

He's a Woman, She's a Man
- a woman tries to be a man, fails

High Risk
- ripping on Jackie Chan for the entire movie

HIT TEAM
- SWAT teams take on each other

Initial D
- Anthony Wong did this whole movie drunk

Jiang Hu The Triad Zone
- "My baby has no anus."

King of Beggars
- Hero kicks arse while sleeping

Kung Fu Cult Master
- Has a man who lives on a boulder and rolls around, he is 100 years old and still gets wood every morning

Laywer, Lawyer
- the scene with the fake tongue

Legendary Weapons of China
- a man rips his own balls off to prove how hard he is.

Lifeline
- plastic bags used as gas masks

Love on Delivery
- actually makes Garfield funny!

The Master
- the dude who says "1100 Wiltshire Boulevard" also Billy Blanks before he was lame

The Most Wanted
- pah!

Mad Monk
- giant demon stomping around the town

Mighty Baby
- stupid baby bounces off a skyscraper

Moment of Romance
- motorcycle speeding away from an exploding car to the tune of a rock power ballad

Mongkok Story
- "You should be glad to eat something so nutritious" gangster to man who he has forced to give him a blowjob

Moon Warriors
- kung fu whale

My Father is a Hero
- kid used as a yo-yo to wail on people

My Name is Nobody
- man pretends to be blind to get back at gangster, ignores his girlfriend getting molested

Once A Thief
- Chow Yun Fat jumping out the wheelchair to kick arse

Once Upon a Time in China an America
- cowboys and kung fu dudes

One-Armed Boxer vs. Flying Guillotine
- the martial arts tournament of freaks, the hero walking on the ceiling

Peace Hotel

Police Story
- sliding down a chandellier

Police Story II
- punching a nerd in his glasses

Police Story III
- the escape from prison, hanging from a helicopter, durian related violence

Prison on Fire
- biting someone's ear off, most of the fights

Project S
- lots of bad-arses

Royal Tramp
- Elvis Tsui's hair and beard

Royal Tramp II

Royal Warriors
- an annoying kid gets blown up in a car bomb

Rumble in the Bronx
- real bottles being thrown at Jackie Chan as they couldn't be stuffed buying fake ones

The Shadow Whip
- Spears thrown back at their attackers by the whip, whip pulls someone's leg off

Shanghai Grand
- giant snake tries to kill the hero

Shaolin Prince
- Fire General, Water General, Twelve Guardians, the 18 Lohan Array

The Spiritual Boxer
- man withstands knives, tricks the locals

Storm Riders
- man rips his own arm off. "The monkey is innocent. Do not punish it!"

Swordsman 2
- characters spend most of their time drinking

The Seventh Curse
- 100 children killed for no real reason. "Bring me the blood of a black dog"

The Sword Stained with Royal Blood
- Man pokes his own eyes out for no real reason. "Can I touch your bone?"

Tai-Chi Master
- two main characters having a normal conversation while breaking bricks over their heads

Theft Under the Sun
- trying to stop a missle falling down a cliff

The Legend of the Flying Swordsman
- annoying baby killed with a paintbrush

There's a Secret in My Soup
- Fat kranksy stuck on the end of a power drill and used as a dildo. Hello Kitty doll used to store a skull.

Those Were the Days
- love interest gets killed off out of spite. (This happens a lot in Hong Kong movies.)

Time and Tide
- abseiling while firing machine guns

To be No. 1
- lots of killing

War of the Underworld

(on my loungeroom wall, it is double the length of a usual poster.)

Wing Chun
- a man's stomach sucks fists into it when it is punched.

Yes, Madam
- Saddam lookalike

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